The Kainnection Adventure

Café Luxxe, Long Beach, California, 3/15/23

I woke up reflecting on routines. The rain would be coming in so we set out early from The Mermaid House and headed to Café Luxxe, a March routine we had already come to love and would miss when we left in April for our next adventure.

Routines. I only do this on Monday and Wednesday and this on Thursday and Friday. That way I can get ____ achieved. Routines are something we use to help us achieve and get things done. They also limit us and keep us in a self-imposed prison. In themselves, they are neutral. It’s how we use and don’t use them that defines whether we feel freedom or feel trapped.

We discussed routines, Mike and I, looking at what they do for us and what they take from us. I noticed how quickly we settled into this walk to Luxxe and wondered why with so many options, we had. I danced in the street just to break things up. Alas, we entered the gate we did each day before, ordered our same drinks, settled in the same patio chairs. When Mike brought out the lattes, he spilled mine, breaking the routine. Another perspective: we use our routines to feel safe, secure, predictable, in control. In reality, we aren’t, but it’s comforting to feel we are.

I should have predicted what would come next, but the Universe is anything but predictable. I love that. Two women sat across from us, and Kai placed himself between us. Reggie and Pam live in Long Beach not far from where our oldest son and wife used to live. We started with a conversation about the Covid Anniversary, then Shine which I started writing shortly after, then two hours of hardcore synchronicities and crossovers. It was easy to dive right in with these women. I knew then I wanted them to be my friends. I have deep appreciation for those who do not drag me through painful and meaningless small talk.

Reggie and Pam have the kind of friendship we all hope for in our lives. It feels easy, therapeutic, a container that helps them both through their separate traumas. In fact, Reggie is not only deeply educated in trauma (as in she has a PhD, post doc, has developed her own somatic psych methodology, and most importantly, has lived experience), she is open to sharing her own life trauma in a high EQ emotionally intelligent way.

Like me, Reggie describes herself as an introvert, and really understands the meaning of that. She is also a writer, Pam that friend who promotes her. Her life thread clearly involves dancing with trauma from all sides, and it is also clear this is exhausting. I can tell she is a lightworker emerging out of a dark night. One who helps other love themselves and strives so hard to take in that teaching for herself. A seeker. An empath. One who marvels at our universal differences and encourages others to do the same. A friend I’d love to grab coffee with who I can count on being real and whose perceptions fascinate me. A friend to marvel at and with over espresso. A friend who speaks the same language. A friend who is not afraid to love freely and who understands the wisdom of that conversation with others.

Pam said, “Oh she will be reading every one of your books.” Nothing makes a writer happier than a friend who is excited to read the stuff you’ve poured your heart into over decades. 

We talked about how we hate small talk. HATE it. We talked about how everyone is on a different evolutionary track, and sometimes small talk is all we have. What I wanted to find, what I always want to find, is the joy explosion for these beings. I only got to Reggie because time ran out. I knew she knew because her high EQ demanded that. I was right. Reggie knew that her deep love is musical theater, her participation in that, and that her deep fear is never being able to bring that into being.

Here’s what became clear to me as I saw Reggie on a stage performing, her heart smiling at the journey from the other side. We are, at different times, locked into the dark night of the soul. We have to be. It’s so clearly part of the hero’s journey. Sometimes it takes others (in Reggie’s case, Pam, and hopefully us on this day) whom can see the vision unfold clear as day despite the soul-sucking dark night.

What wants to unfold in you? Where do you find your joy? What are you afraid of not playing out before you leave this life?

I came home to start typing this, remembering a dark night of my own where my own friend Pam was such a support to me, and guess what happened? My finger stuck to my “I” key, and it lifted off my keyboard as if to say, “I” cannot do this alone AND “I” am an important part of this story. It’s “we.” We are one. We need each other. I swear. You can’t make this shit up.

We are all SO connected. I can’t wait to go watch Reggie perform. I know in my heart it’s going to happen.